Thursday, April 30, 2009

Ahoy hoy, new readers!

I got linked yesterday in Yahoo's Ball Don't Lie, and the visits to the blog have skyrocketed. For any new readers, please stay a while and look around, as there are many witty and insanely well written articles dating WAY back to the middle of March! This blog explores everything you wanted to know about the New Jersey Nets, but were too afraid to ask.

And, if you are a current follower of mine, you already know I love you and do everything I can to improve your life. That being said, check out Ball Don't Lie, because it is the bestest basketball blog. If you don't notice an increase in your stamina in 30 days, send it back for a full refund.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Summertime Blues

"The waiting is the hardest part, everyday you see one more card, you take it on faith, you take it to the heart, the waiting is the hardest part." - Tom Petty

If you are a die-hard Nets fan like me, or simply a fan of one of the other 13 shitty teams that didn't make the postseason, the countdown to next season is excruciating. However, the NBA is able to provide some excellent moments of excitement between now and November. Allow me to present Rory's Summertime Do's and Don'ts that will make the next few months entertaining, fun, and safe!

DO: Watch the NBA Playoffs

So, you just watch your team win 34 games, while losing 48. That sucked. You watched subpar basketball for six months. Now, many fans give up, and start following baseball or something dumb like that. But, NO! I present to you...the NBA PLAYOFFS!

The playoffs are FUCKING awesome. I got jacked just watching that clip, and that's from 16 years ago. This year has been no disappointment. Even the series I thought were going to be boring have been tremendously entertaining (Sixers/Magic, for one). So treat yourself to watching some amazing basketball. Plus, since your team is gone, you will be able to watch with an objective eye, and not get emotionally scarred (I'm looking at you, game 6 of the 2004 Eastern Conference Semis against Detroit).

DON'T: Watch the Summer League

This will be the first and last time I talk about the Summer League. It is such a waste of time that the only way it would be worthwhile to talk about is if time was moving backwards as I discussed it. I tried following it for years, but just got frustrated.

Why the hate? Well, it's subpar basketball where everyone just jacks up shots, 99% of the undrafted players are terrible and don't have a shot in the NBA despite the hype they may receive, there is no correlation between summer league success and NBA success, you are putting your rookies at risk of injury, the uniforms are ugly, the web announcers suck, and the refs wear shorts.

Whew. In case you skipped that paragraph, I'll just recap: It sucks. Moving on.

DO: Watch the NBA Draft

Hands down, the single most exciting night of the offseason. Although the Nets will (most likely) have a mediocre #11 pick this year and no second round picks, I will be watching this from beginning to end. It provides laughs - from crazy suits like pictured above, awkward interviews with players and GMs, and the Knicks fans' reaction to any of their draft picks. It provides tears - like watching that last guy in the green room squirm with a dejected look as he slides down the board, knowing that with each pick he loses more and more money (be prepared, Tyler Hansborough). Also, there's nothing I love better than David Stern coming out before a pick, and saying "There has been a trade." What a curveball! This could be anything! Although, most of the time it will be something lame, like the rights to Milovan Rakovic for future cash considerations. Still, it is a great few hours of TV that I look forward to each year.

The post draft analysis articles are some of the best of the year. I particularly like Bill Simmons' Draft Diary and the Stephen A. Smith Heckling Society of Gentlemen, but I'm not sure what they will do now that SAS is no longer with ESPN.

DON'T: Read mock drafts

I'm against mock drafts for a few reasons. First, if you were going to see a movie, would you want to read several columns about how people think the movie is going to end? Personally, I like going in with a blank slate. Second, the NBA draft is always a crapshoot after the first 3 picks. Some poor general manager will make a reach on a pick, or unexpected trades will happen. Then, all those experts' mocks will be useless 30 minutes happen. Save the time you spend reading mocks this summer and use it productively - go to the beach, fly a kite, or write a snarky blog post.

DON'T: Believe the Hype

Once July 1st hits, teams are now able to negotiate with other free agents. Rumors swirl like a candy wrapper caught in a updraft. I encourage you NOT to believe any of these rumors about who your team will sign and/or trade for. I know it is fun to imagine what the roster may be, but your dreams will be dashed 90% of the time based on something that probably was not true to begin with. It is like watching porn with your hands tied behind your back - you can be entertained and happy for a little while, but there will be no climax and you'll just be frustrated.

DO: Talk non-stop about anything that DOES happen

Once August hits, the NBA offseason action is a slow crawl. So, anything that actually DOES happen with your team warrants you over-analyzing it to death. I'm pretty sure I spent more time complaining about the Najera signing than talking about the Yi trade, the 3 draft picks, and two other free agent signings combined. As long as you haven't annoyed everyone by talking about rumors, this is a totally worthwhile way to kill time waiting for the start of training camp.

And finally

DO: Keep reading this blog

This summer should be an interesting one for the Nets, and I'll be here each week to discuss the hard hitting issues and controversial topics like automobiles with Nets logos and how to consume free beer at a Nets game.

DON'T: Burn monkeys

That's just sick, man.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Shaq Valentine's Day Cards

A couple weekends ago, I was digging around at my mom's house, in search for more Random Nets Crap, and stumbled upon this. Really, it is a fantastic find, and there's nothing more I can add. I will let the pictures speak for themselves. (Click on the image to enlarge it)

But wait, there's more...

Just a quick hit today, I'll have a new full post on Monday.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Predict this, bitch!

"'In the end'? Nothing ends, Adrian. Nothing ever ends." - Dr. Manhattan

BREAKING NEWS! The Nets season is over. For the second year in a row, our favorite non-singing Jersey boys have been sent packing early. The year had brights spots, like Brook Lopez and his near Rookie-of-the-Year season. But, there were disappointments, too, like the play of Yi Jianlian towards the end of the season. Overall, I'd say the season could've been worse - it was a rebuilding year, and I saw enough glimpses of potential from the team to have me looking forward to next season.

But, as I've said before, this is not a blog to come to for analysis. You can definitely find better opinions on or elsewhere in the interwebs. In fact, there is this one key fact I must make readers aware of: I am always wrong. Always. This was proven beyond a shadow of a doubt in this particular Nets season.

Before the season, I predicted the Nets would finish with 22 wins. They only had 34 wins last year, and that was with Richard Jefferson and Jason Kidd (for most of the season). I was not sure where the scoring would come from other than Vince Carter, and the team defense was (and still is) highly suspect. There was one particular preseason game I went to, against the Sixers, that depressed the Hell out of me, and not just because that was the first game I made that god-awful Secaucus Junction trip.

Then, I watched the first game of the season, and made a complete flip-flop. I was highly impressed. I had seen bad bad BAD teams in the past, and the Nets did not play like one at all. The team had talent, and the chemistry and young players were further ahead than I could've imagined. I revised my prediction to a bold 44 wins. Upon retrospect, the Nets did play the Wizards that first game, who ended up being the second worst team in the league.

Anyway, the final win tally? 34. Which is only one more win than the MOST AMOUNT I COULD HAVE BEEN WRONG ON BOTH PREDICTIONS!

So yeah, I suck. Big time.

The funny thing is, I'm a stickler for predictions. I like to make a few guesses at the beginning of the season, and stick with them furiously. My sleeper team of the year was Milwaukee - which was looking good until the end of the season (the Redd injury didn't help too much either). Another prediction of mine was a Celtics/Spurs Finals. Again, this seemed reasonable until around February - since then, though, those teams have aged 30 years.

The moral of the story is clear to me. Perhaps next season, I'll go with the George Costanza method and do the opposite of what my gut tells me.

Anyway, this blog will keep going throughout the summer to ease the pain of waiting for next season. There will be more podcasts, more "Random Nets Crap", and, generally, more awesomeness. Well, at least that's my prediction.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Gone Podcastin'

Ahoy there. This weekend, I joined my friends Brad and Justin in the inaugural Brad Bogner show. It contains the only basketball analysis I know that compares Horace Grant to an ironing board. Make sure to listen, so when this become insanely popular, you can be that douchebag that says, "Meh, I liked their early stuff better."

The Brad Bogner Show Episode 1

LATE ADDITION: If you are interested in that Dwyane Wade shirt I made (as mentioned on the show), you can click here for "Fall Down 7 Times, Get 8 Whistles!"

Monday, April 13, 2009

Nets Cars!

"Beep beep beep beep yeah!" - Paul McCartney, critically-acclaimed songwriter




Ok, I snapped this picture at the last game I went to. Now, living in NY, I don't own a car, which helps offset the high costs everywhere else in the city. Also, while most people think they are great drivers but really suck, I know I'm a shitty ass driver. I just get too distracted when I'm on the road, often losing concentration. Haven't killed anyone yet, though! Score!

Although, despite my lack of driving skill, I would love to own one. I do have a birthday coming up soon (November), so fingers crossed! I definitely wouldn't be able to pull off driving the pickup truck, though. It'd be the sedan all the way. One time, while on a business trip to Houston, my company gave me the keys to a fucking huge pick-up truck. I felt like I was steering a jet fighter. It was a completely bad-ass experience, but frightening too because I had no idea where I was on the road at any point in time. But in the sedan, I can just gun it down highway 9, chrome wheeled, fuel injected and steppin' out over the line.

Unsubtle Springsteen references aside, I'm posting about this because nobody has seen these cars on the road. And you know why? Because it's always parked in the driveway at some hawt New Jersey skank's house. Owning a Nets car is basically a license to bang any girl. It's like driving a Cadillac, Lamborghini, and Zamboni all rolled into one awesome babe magnet machine - with a Nets logo on it! There are only these two cars (that I know of) in existence - probably because the government restricts their production. You could rule the world with an armada of Nets cars.

But aren't you asking yourself, "A car that's bright red with a Nets logo? What am I, on a stakeout? Could I get something a little more flashy?" Behold...




Drool. Another irresistible fun machine. I can only assume this is the vehicle that the Nets' beloved mascot Sly takes to work everyday. But in his free time, I'm sure Sly uses it to pick up some....wait for it....foxy ladies! If this van is a rockin, don't come a-knockin! Unless, of course, the van has been stolen by a pedophile and there are little children trapped inside.

And, because these are trying economic times, I always try to look out for the little people. Do you need a job? Do you want to drive the SLYMOBILE? Well, you are in luck! Click here to apply to be Sly's assistant! Yes, I am graciously not applying for this job (since I would be a shoo-in), and will gladly proofread and review any resumes sent to me. Why? Because I care about you.

Also, I want a Nets car for my birthday. I need to live my life a quarter mile at a time.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Random Nets Crap - 07-08 Nets Banner

As a long-time Nets fan, I've compiled a shitload of Nets memorabilia and freebies throughout the years. Dating back to 2001, I've made dedicated effort to save almost everything. Now, feast your eyes on the more ridiculous and obscure paraphernalia in a blog feature I call....RANDOM NETS CRAP!


...You are all jealous, I know.

This banner was sent to me by my ticket representative after a botched incident with parking passes. I think that's the story, anyway. But that's beside the point. This is a banner celebrating the Nets glorious 2007-2008 season! A season which included:

  • 34 wins! Hey, that's almost 35!

  • Missing the playoffs for the first time in 6 seasons!

  • The last games of Jason Kidd, Richard Jefferson, and Jason Collins!

  • And, most importantly

  • 401 minutes of DeSagana Diop!

But eagle-eyed blog readers may have spotted a mark in the upper left corner of the banner. Let me zoom in.

Something that looks like an "S"....something that looks like a "W"....and the number 51. Yes, the cherry on top of this crap sundae of a banner is that it is signed by Nets 2007 first round pick, Sean Williams!

Now, I try to make this blog for both basketball and non-basketball fans, so here's the low-down on Sean Williams:

  • Drafted as the 17th pick in the first round in 2007 by the Nets. He was considered a "high-risk, high-reward" type player. What was the risk? Well...

  • Mr. Williams was dismissed from Boston College for smoking too much weed. When I heard about this, I found it very shocking...mainly because I assumed EVERYONE at Boston College was already high. How much weed do you have to smoke to get kicked out by those red-eyed, long-haired, eagle-loving hippies? Well, I guess Sean Williams knows.

  • His rookie season was fairly uneventful, but you could see what a jack-ass he was in this clip from the rookie game:

  • He started off the 2008-2009 season pissed that the Nets gave him money. Obviously, he wasn't going to be signing the 2008-2009 banners. This led to some unsuccessful trade talks with the Bobcats and Warriors, among other teams.

  • Since he wasn't contributing anything during the games, the Nets sent him to the developmental league in December. Now, two things to note. First, the Nets D-League team is the 14ers, which is cool. I'm always a fan of naming a sports team after a number, like the 49ers and 76ers. It sure beats naming the team after a piece of equipment. Nets? Ugh. Is there a baseball team called the Bases? (Although I think a football team called the Pylons sounds cool.)

    Second, the Nets D-League team is in Colorado. I knew right away that sending him there was going to turn out disastrous. I mean, he's a recovering pot-head, with millions of dollars, and you are sending him to Colorado? Were there no roster spots on the Jamaican D-League team? Clearly, the Nets threw the wolf into the chicken coup...

  • ....And, in less than a month, he got kicked off the D-league team. I'm not sure this has ever happened before. He got kicked out of two games for showing up late to practice, and leaving them early.

  • Then, in the next month,Sean got arrested for showing up on Boston College. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Always know where you have restraining orders.

  • But this is all just the mid-level hits, time for the classic. Sean Williams trashing a mall in Denver over an argument about the price of an iPhone! Again, it's not shocking that this happens in Colorado.

Oh, and he has career averages of 4.7 points and 3.9 rebounds per game. So, basically, the Nets gave me a fancy napkin. The only way this banner will be worth anything in 20 years is if Sean Williams either turns his career around and becomes the greatest player ever, makes a sex tape with a celebrity, or assassinates a foreign despot. Hey, if he does all three, this banner will put my kids through college!

So that concludes the first installment of Random Nets Crap. Like the banner says, Nets Basketball: More Than A Game!