Friday, June 3, 2011

Did Anybody Catch That Game?

I know I usually just write Nets-centric articles, but this Dallas-Miami series has really captured my attention. Honestly, I think these two teams are the two most talented Finals teams since the 1997 Bulls-Jazz series. But one moment in game 2 really caught my attention, so I had to do a mini-rant. Read about it on Rainman Suite by clicking here!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Playoff Predictions

I gave Keith Stone my $0.02 for the first round, and it is available here. Please enjoy my sincere praise of the Knicks.

If anyone is wondering, I'm still sticking with the prediction I made in October on the Brad Bogner show - Miami over the Lakers in seven games, with Mike Miller hitting the series winning shot.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Shove It Up Your Knickhole

In time for the last (and most meaningless) Nets-Knicks game of the season, I go on a 600+ word rant finally laying out everything I hate about the Knicks. Needless to say, it was quite cathartic.

Click here to read "Shove It Up Your Knickhole".

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Whoop-De-Damn-Do: Deconstructing the Nets Myths

I wouldn't call myself a pessimist or an optimist, but rather a realist. Although, can anyone truly call themselves a pessimist or an optimist anyway, since by doing so you are acknowledging that there is good/bad in the world that you are just not talking about? Anyway, I digress...

I think there is too much pessimism in Nets fans nowadays, and I break down three common complaints I've heard recently on the Whoop-De-Damn-Do blog. Check it out here.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Whoop-De-Damn-Do: Your Two and Five (Six?) New Jersey Nets

So, as my blog posts can completely control the events of basketball games, it is clear I jinxed the Nets with my post last week. I could either hate myself, but instead I turned my rage outward to this damned team. Read all about it here.



Saturday, October 30, 2010

Your Undefeated New Jersey Nets

Well, I've been to two games this season, and have lost several years off my life. But, for the first time since 2002, and only the sixth time in franchise history, the Nets are 2-0. It is also the first time since 1968 that a team has started 2-0 after having less than 20 wins the year before. So pop the bubbly! Just thought I'd share some thoughts:

I still love this new arena. As mentioned in my last post, the crowd really gets into these games like I haven't seen before. Granted, these were two of the more exciting games of the past few years, but there is a palpable difference between Newark and East Rutherford. I felt the opening game had a better crowd, but the surprising number of Kings fans at Friday's game led to some entertaining back-and-forth.

Sidenote: Maybe it is just me, but I always had a soft spot in my heart for the Sacramento Kings. They are like the Nets West: they sucked for a while, then randomly became contenders in the early part of the decade, then have been stuck in a strange rebuilding quagmire. Stay strong, Sacramento.

Haterade: With Bobby Simmons gone, I had to pick a new least favorite Nets. Congrats to Travis Outlaw! Sure, he had one bad game and one good game, but that contract is still indefensible. He's a sixth man at best, and you shouldn't sign bench players to five-year deals. Other players may suck, but they won't be sucking for $7M.

Sidenote: I watched a bit of the Wizards-Magic game on Thursday. How pleasant is it to watch Yi Jianlian suck for another team? There was a moment in the third quarter where the Wizards had a fast break, and it kicked out to Yi running straight down the middle. My roommate was in the bathroom when this happened. When he came out, I described it to him and asked him what he thought the result was. He said, "Blocked by Jameer Nelson." He was close: Yi was blocked by JJ Redick.

It is nice to celebrate, but I still don't see this team making the playoffs. My prediction before the season was 29 wins, and it included winning these two games. However, it is very nice to just be a bad team again, rather than a historically bad team.

Final notes: I was on the Brad Bogner show recently, and got all my NBA predictions recorded for the Internet to hear. Check it out here. I will also be doing stand-up comedy at New York Comedy Club Friday, November 12th at 10PM. If you are interested in attending, leave a note in the comments or e-mail me.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Preseason Unhype: My First Game Back

I've had basketball fever since August. Unfortunately, as you can tell by my lack of updates, there hasn't been anything that has really got my juices flowing. Sure, Rod Thorn left, Troy Murphy arrived, and Carmelo did a little of both, but nothing got my fired up. So, yesterday, I embarked on my first trip to the Prudential Center to see the Nets hoop it up.

They are the view from my seats. This is the 16th year that my family have purchased some type of season ticket plan (usually a 10 game package or half-season tickets), and this is the closest we have sat. It is perfect "storming the court if there is a big fight" distance. Needless to say, I am pumped to sit here this year.

Everyone has praised the Prudential Center as a huge improvement over the Izod Center, and usually hit the same points - nicer seating, better food, easier to get to, etc. However, the thing I noticed and loved was the types of fans that came to this game. Now, I'm crossing my fingers and hope I don't jinx it when I write this - but the Nets might have a good crowd. Moving to Newark, a large city with easy public access, allows for a younger, "hipper" demographic to come. The Izod Center played to more of the family type atmosphere. But the people I sat around knew basketball and followed the game closely, cheering the Nets and heckling the Celtics. The crowd was sparse, but pretty solid for a Thursday night preseason game. The moment that stood out to me was during the fourth quarter, when Derrick Favors got called for a questionable moving screen call, and the crowd rained down upon the refs with deafening boos. It was the loudest I've heard the crowd in years for something that didn't involve throwing free t-shirts. So, that's my optimism.

However, I am very pessimistic about the Nets' chances this season. Usually, I try to hope that with some lucky breaks, they can will themselves to 40-ish wins and an improbable playoff run. This year, I hold out no such hopes. I do not dislike any player in particular, it just seems that, chemistry-wise and experience-wise, the personnel is clearly a year away. As obvious as this sounds, they clearly look like a team that was just put together this month. So, 25 wins is exactly what I am expecting, and am telling all my loyal readers to brace for the rough times.

My final plea is to be gentle on Derrick Favors. As a #3 pick and the potential Carmelo trade hanging over him, expectations will be high. But, he is a 19-year-old kid (the youngest Net ever) trying to play the toughest position in the NBA. Please don't give up on him before Thanksgiving. Clearly, after Christmas, he is fair game.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Whoop-De-Damn-Do: Summer of Meh

Why didn't I write anything this summer? Well, despite all the hoopla around the NBA, the Nets' offseason was basically a sedative. For the full details of this snooze-fest, check out my article on

Also, I've been busy this summer with my stand-up comedy. Please become a fan on Facebook to keep up-to-date on the places I will be appearing next.

I've also made two great appearance on the Brad Bogner Show, talking basketball on episode 40 and talking television and comics on episode 44. Get involved!

Thanks for your continued support!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Whoop-De-Damn-Do Post: Solid As A Rock

As in with my past adventures, I've chronicled my draft night trip to The Rock for Click the link, I'm sure you will not be disappointed!

Also, I have a show at the New York Comedy Club on 24th and 2nd, Friday, July 16th, at 10PM. Let me know if you are interested in coming!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Whoop-De-Damn-Do Post: Rivalry Weak

Hey guys, I'll be contributing from time-to-time at Whoop De Damn Do, a new Nets blog. I will still be making updates to Slippery When Nets, too. Make sure to check out my latest entry: Rivalry Weak, which documents the Nets best rivalries. Here's a small preview:

"The greatest NBA rivalry is underway. Yawn. Didn’t we just see this two years ago? Bird-Magic-Chamberlain-Russell-Scalabrine-Morrison blah blah blah.

The Nets franchise has never been successful enough to create what could be called a classic rivalry. However, there have been significant flare-ups with other franchises through-out the year. Let’s examine the Nets top five rilvaries!"

Just an update on my stand-up comedy, I will be performing:

6/9 - Broadway Comedy Club, 53rd & 8th, 8PM, $10 + 2 drinks
6/18 - New York Comedy Club, 24th & 2nd, 10PM, $10 + 2 drinks
6/22 - Caroline's, 49th & Broadway, 7PM, $5 + 2 drinks (need to call 212-757-4100 to reserve tickets)

I'd love to see you guys there. You can e-mail me or leave a comment if you need more info. Thanks for your continued support!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Danny Thoughts - Draft Prospects 2010

This is my friend Danny. Danny has many thoughts. They will be presented here in this segment called simply....Danny Thoughts.

So now that people have stepped back from the ledge after finding out that our beloved Nets were getting the third pick in this year’s draft, the offseason can REALLY start rolling. And there’s no better Nets fan to take you through it than yours truly, me.

If you think you’ve heard it all, hold on to your seats because here are some loony ideas coming your way.

With the third pick of the 2010 NBA Draft… The New Jersey (Brooklyn, Russian, Siberian) Nets select….

Derrick Favors

Pros: He is crazy, stupid athletic. As you can see from the Youtube clip, yes…he went between the legs STANDING STILL. He has a 7’4” wingspan and is 6’10” with shoes on (but who plays basketball without shoes on?).

I’m a big UNC fan and I’ve seen this kid play on TV. He can FINISH and catch the damn ball, something a current “power forward” on the Nets cannot do. He’s terrific around the basket and is STRONG. He has an NBA ready body. He also runs up and down the floor like a gazelle (not a deer), is a fantastic rebounder (offensive and defensive rebounds) and from what draft pundits have said, he’s a great kid that’s willing to learn. Definitely someone you want to build your team with (not around, however).

He plays good with the potential to be great defense, especially in the post, moves his feet, blocks or alters a lot of shots, and was the number one rated HS player going into college (yes, over Wall and Cousins). Think about it this way: he’s similar to Blake Griffin but way younger, compliments Brook Lopez pretty well, and has been compared to Al Horford, Josh Smith (without the stupid threes), Antonio McDyess IN HIS PRIME, and Chris Wilcox (unfortunately). I like the kid! He makes our decisions way easier in that we won’t have to max out a good power forward (see David Lee, Carlos Boozer, Amare Stoudemire) as opposed to a superstar player (see ONLY Lebron and Wade).

Cons: Doesn’t shoot that well and isn’t the best free throw shooter. He has some offensive moves but isn’t someone I would compare to Pau Gasol (or even Marc Gasol). I’m also not sure he can really create for himself at all, he’ll have to be set up, BUT isn’t that what it’s always like with pure athletes that we call basketball players? Also remember he was on Georgia Tech, which didn’t have the best group of basketball players surrounding him. This could mean he’s a softy for going with the sentimental choice of going to Georgia Tech (he’s from Georgia) or that he has poor decision making skills.

Evan Turner

OK, I understand. The Sixers would be crazy for not taking Turner with the 2nd pick. But I don’t think it’s as clear cut as everyone thinks because they’re lineup currently looks like this: Lou Williams, Andre Iguodala, Thaddeus Young, Elton Brand, and Samuel Dalembert. Now… what happens if you replace Elton Brand with a talented big man that can play the Center/Forward position, such as, oh I don’t know, maybe a DeMarcus Cousins?! Think about it, it’s not THAT far fetched. But I digress, here’s my analysis.

Pros: Boy, this guy is so smooth it’s crazy. His game looks so much like Brandon Roy’s that they’re practically clones. Turner can handle, shoot, pass, and rebound. He’s tall for his position and moves real well. Sure, he had the two broken vertebrae, but he was back in two weeks after the surgery! Now THAT’S tough. You ever have two broken vertebrae? Didn’t think so. He’s a leader and he likes to take (and make) clutch shots. He’s got a great floor presence and is a little older, supposedly more mature. He’s a good defender as well and is a player you could fit many types of players around. As a Nets fan, I’d consider trading Devin if we got Turner. Play Turner at the 1! That’s what he did at OSU!

Cons: He’s not extremely athletic. His game, as much as it screams Brandon Roy, also screams Danny Granger in that he knows how to get it done, just not in a flashy way and he needs the ball a lot. Sure, he’s long, but will he be able to guard the superstars at his positions (Kobe, Wade, Granger, Lebron, Durant, Melo, Roy)? That means he’s not a superstar, only an all-star. It also means he’s on par with the Derrick Favors, DeMarcus Cousins, and Wesley Johnsons of the world.

DeMarcus Cousins

Pros: Jebus, this kid is huge. I mean, he is a LARGE INDIVIDUAL with an NBA ready body. Long arms, legit height, big body. On top of all that, he’s got a terrific skill set for a big man as he can finish left and right, has great footwork in the low post, and has a lot of offensive moves in the post. He’s a terrific rebounder and protects the basket very well. Upside is a taller Al Jefferson? Better be a HEALTHY Al Jefferson!

Cons: Well, here he is folks, the kid with all the physical talent but is mentally “unstable”. He’s the Zach Randolph of the draft, tons of talent, but immature and whiny. He’s also tubby because his body fat’s at 16% and he’s supposedly in the best shape of his life! He also gets into foul trouble and proceeds to mentally check out of some games. But boy… he’s really good…

So there are the big three at the third position of the draft. But that’s not all folks! We also have the 27th and 31st to get to! Since it’s only separated by three picks, let’s just list some players available at the spot, shall we? This is in no order, just a list with some general thoughts.

Stanley Robinson

UConn ATHLETE that’s 6’9” and can jump out of the gym and defend. Really inconsistent, though.

Larry Sanders

VCU 6’11” Big man project that has crazy measurements and is very athletic, especially for his size, but he’s rawer than sushi.

Dominique Jones

Late Sleeper for this draft! He’s a 6’4” Combo guard that’s got a great first step, is really strong, and plays with tons of hustle and activity, especially on defense. Doesn’t have a great jumper, though, and needs to improve on his off-hand (right) dribbling.

Willie Warren!

6’4” Smooth jump shooter that lost a lot of appeal to NBA scouts after going back to Oklahoma for a year. He has a great jumper, ball-handling skills, and a lot of POTENTIAL talent but hasn’t lived up to it.

Quincy Pondexter

6’6” Tweener that played PF in college and must play SF in the NBA. He’s a GREAT hustle player that is efficient and extremely active on both ends of the floor. He has leadership qualities and doesn’t take many bad shots. However, he is WAY undersized for the position of PF and hopefully he doesn’t take too much time to adjust to playing SF in the NBA.

Gani Lawal

6’8” athlete that rebounds and scores fairly well. He’s a high energy hustle player that needs a little more polish and could be a solid role player in the NBA.

Jordan Crawford

Another sleeper in the draft! 6’4” Combo guard that can really light it up and has a knack for being clutch. (See: NCAA Tournament). Is very inconsistent but is a great slasher. Doesn’t play well as a role player but that might be his fate in the NBA regardless.

Elliot Williams

6’4” Lefty that’s great in transition and plays active D but can’t finish right and doesn’t really have a midrange game.

Craig Brackins

6’10” Big man that can shoot and create from the free throw line area. Again, his defensive intensity is a question mark but he could be a good tweener role player at the NBA level.

Miroslav Raduljica

Standard foreign big man that could be a Euro Stash player for the Nets. He’s 7’0” and has good offensive low post moves as well as a decent jumper but isn’t that athletic and has suspect motivation on defense.

There is your draft analysis, folks. Hope it somewhat clarifies what the Nets will do.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

LeBron James and the Dangers of Living Vicariously

Are LeBron and I kindred spirits? No. But...well, no.

When it comes to analyzing sports, athletes are often painted in broad archetypes. You have your heroes. These are the fantastic teammates. They play the right way. They rescue player-pianos from burning houses. They win. Going through the NBA, you can rattle off "heroes" with ease - David Robinson, Steve Nash, and, of course, your favorite player on your favorite team. As a Nets fan, I am dying to list Jason Kidd here.

Unfortunately, I cannot. More often than not, athletes are seen as "villains". Not the "scheming to rule the world" type (although I don't rule out Stephen Jackson having a grand machination), but selfish, entitled jerks. Even those with spectacular on-court displays often find themselves tarnished by off-court mistakes, like Kobe Bryant and the aforementioned Kidd.

I followed basketball too much in high school. I knew entire rosters around the league, knew where the players went to college, and watched more than 70 of the Nets' 82 regular seasons (and caught every playoff game). Back then, I was totally into the "heroes" and "villains" thing. The first villain to feel my wrath was Stephon "All Alone 33" Marbury. Marbury and many others probably laid awake at night, unable to sleep due to my scathing criticisms. "This guy doesn't work hard!" "He's not a team player!" "He only cares about the money!"

This dynamic changed in 2003. After graduating high school, LeBron James entered the NBA. Few high school classes can clearly identify who their most successful graduate has been. For the Class of 2003, however, the answer is clearly LeBron James. And, now, there was a player my age (well, 35 days younger) in the NBA.

(Side note: I consider myself a Nets fan, and usually don't buy into following a specific player that some fans do. I know it doesn't make much sense - as I am basically rooting for a corporation [or "laundry" as Jerry Seinfeld once put it, but nowadays even the laundry changes]. It is akin to cheering for Universal Studios movies. But, with LeBron, I've made an exception to my silly rule.)

As the years progressed, LeBron grew and adapted to his new world, and so did I. Younger players continued to infiltrate the NBA, and soon my criticisms seemed petty and cantankerous. I don't work hard. I'm not a team player. I only care about the money. Where do I get off criticizing these kids?

Extreme narcissism allows me to continue to track my life along with LeBron. That's why I'm writing this. After his defeat in the second round of the 2010 Playoffs, the media came down on him, and began to write him off as another NBA "villain". Maybe his teammates weren't the problem - maybe LeBron just couldn't win a title. Maybe he'll abandon his team for selfish reasons. Maybe his mom is banging his teammate.

Extreme narcissism (and perhaps some delusion) allows me to deny these insinuations. I mean, LeBron is MY generation. It cannot be over already, right? Sure, he's been in the NBA for 7 years without the all-important ring, but he is (and I am) only 25. Sure, we're all a bit scared and thinking that maybe we ain't that young anymore. The Class of 2003 hasn't had their lives go according to the script - there haven't been multiple titles, but we do have our highlights and game-winning shots. And we're still fighting, trying to cement our legacy.

So what should LeBron do? You know just as well as I do. However, I felt my life significantly improved once I left my hometown. That isn't an indictment of Nutley, New Jersey, mind you. I was just forced to get out of my comfort zone and experience new challenges. I'm a Nets fan first and foremost, and would love to see him come here, but I do not see it happening. But, for his sake, I believe he needs to leave Cleveland behind.

Furthermore, I think Cleveland is cursed. Like the Los Angeles Clippers, the city has openly mocked Native Americans with the Cleveland Indians for far too long. It is no wonder that bad karma has always gone this city's way. So, pick a new team LeBron - if not for yourself, then for your generation. It is a town full of losers, and he has to pull out of there to win.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Draft Lottery - Quick Thoughts

I know it has been nearly a week since the draft lottery did not go the Nets way. But, there was a ton of hullabaloo about the Nets this week, so I figured it is best to sit out the shitstorm, and come at it with a fresh mind. A few quick thoughts:

- Well, my dorky white guy corollary did not come true this year. This lady won:

...and I should have seen it coming. This seems to be the year (possibly decade) for old ladies. First, Nancy Pelosi is instrumental in passing national healthcare, then Betty White hosts Saturday Night Live, then Irene Pollin takes home John Wall. What's next? I'm betting on Estelle Harris winning an Oscar.

- It isn't the end of the world. Duh. Assuming there are no crazy trades involved, taking Favors (or Cousins) alleviates the Nets need to sign a power forward to a big money deal (although I think they should try for a one year rental of Troy Murphy, but that's another subject). The main targets - Amare, Boozer, and David Lee - will probably get huge contracts that may end up looking like Jermaine O'Neal's or Tracy McGrady's contracts in a couple years. Granted, if Philadelphia drafts Cousins at #2 and the Nets take Turner at #3, I'll probably be taking all of these words back.

- I know nothing about college basketball, but I do know that every time the Nets were involved with someone who had character issues before being drafted, it did not end well. One is an 11th man in the NBA (Marcus Williams), one is out of the league (Sean Williams), and one is deceased (Eddie Griffin). With that in mind, I'd prefer the safe pick of Derrick Favors rather than the "high risk" DeMarcus Cousins. Plus, "Der-rick Fav-ors" is way easier to chant. But, knowing the Nets, whichever one of these two they draft, the other one will have a better career.

That's it for now. The draft is just a month away, and the free agent speculation is heating up. While I don't like doing mock drafts and mock offseasons, I do hope that the Nets play it conservative this offseason. Obviously, I'd love LeBron on the team, but I'd be happy with drafting Favors, a shooter, and a backup point guard, then making a move for a player with an expiring contract (such as the aforementioned Murphy or Andrei Kirilenko). Rome wasn't built in a day.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mikhail Prokhorov: "I am Iron Man."

Mikhail Prokhorov is just days away from getting approval by the NBA to control the Nets. This is, quite easily, the best piece of news for Nets fans in the time that I've been running this blog. While having an uber-rich owner does not guarantee success (see Dallas and Portland), it will surely signal the hopelessness we as Nets fans have felt since Ratner took over and started cutting costs in 2004. With a limited budget, the Nets could only get so far and offer so much. In a way, Prokhorov coming to the Nets is reminiscent of Iron Man coming to America - he cannot guarantee world peace, but goddamn, it is awesome having him around. Also...

Both Tony Stark and Prokhorov are billionaires, using their vast resources on something completely impractical. Basketball teams are notorious for operating in the red. And, Iron Man? Not only does the suit cost billions, but you have to factor in the evil scientists stealing the technology and the billions of dollars caused in collateral damage during the fights in Iron Man 1 and 2. Hey Tony, it is probably better to use that money to, say, feed the poor, build hospitals, etc. But...

Both have a flair for the dramatic. Tony Stark loves to ride around in his Iron Man suit and hold parties with garish neon lights in Queens. Prokhorov loves to ride on jet skis, while a video team films it, and then set this footage to hardcore metal. Gotta say, these are the types of things that an 8-year-old would come up with if given that type of money. This attitude can cause problems, as....

Both have trouble with government bodies. Gary Shandling was busting Stark's balls in Iron Man 2, while the French government busted Mikhail for buying prostitutes for his business clients. However, it all worked out for them: Shandling was forced to basically kiss Iron Man's ass; and Prokhorov was forced to sell his company weeks before it would lose nearly half of its value. Finally...

Both love the ladies! Both are bachelors well into their 40s, but it isn't because they are immature men-children with tons of money and commitment issues. God no. They just haven't found their soul mates! Tony needs a woman who can keep up with his lust for life, and Mikhail needs a lady who can cook!

Now, from what I can gather from the two movies, Tony Stark does have some more advantages. He's thwarted villains (I am eagerly anticipating the rivalry between Prokhorov and Jim Dolan), has a trusty token African-American sidekick who changes appearances from film to film (I have a feeling this will be what happens to the coach), and he has a father with one of the most disturbing hair dye and fake mustaches in film history (seriously, what was with that?). But, unlike Iron Man, the Nets will be one continuous summer blockbuster this year, as the coach search, draft, and free agency will give Prokhorov more opportunities to make a name for himself.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Idiot Tax - Fixing the NBA Draft Lottery

Every May, the NBA holds its draft lottery to determine the top 3 picks. It gives every team that missed the playoffs varying odds on winning the top pick. This system is based on the idea of no tanking. If you purposely lose games, there is only so high of a pick you can guarantee yourself. The Nets (who did not tank, but rather perfected losing) are this year's worst team, and are guaranteed no lower than pick number four.

Now, as a fan of the Nets, I am dreading the draft lottery. I just suffered watching the worst season in team history, and now there is a 75% chance that the pain will increase. Does this system make sense? Let's examine.

As mentioned earlier, this system relies on the "no tanking" principle. However, there is still tanking that goes on regardless among non-playoff teams, as they will shut down their top players to get more "lottery balls" for the draft. Furthermore, there are also cases of playoff teams tanking to ensure a favorable first round match-up. So, the system is already broken and not carrying out its sole purpose. I say we scrap it.

My idea: back to basics. The worst team gets the top pick. Sure, you may have some tanking, but will there be more than what is going on right now? It gives fans of losing teams some optimism, rather than another kick in the teeth. It is also in the league's best interest to have all teams being competitive - so why not give the worst team a shot at the best player? The NFL does it, and they are only the most successful sports organization in the country. Furthermore, we get an extra month of mock drafts! Who doesn't love those?

But, obviously, this won't change the Nets' current situation. I am fully bracing myself for a Derrick Favors/Wesley Johnson debate. My advice for the Nets: send me to the NBA Draft Lottery. Why? I am a dorky white guy. Teams usually use this opportunity to send players, coaches, or celebrities associated with the team (Jay-Z went two years ago to represent the Nets). But who wins? Well let's see...

Lewis Katz represented the Nets last time they won the draft lottery in 2000.

In recent years, the Bulls were represented by this guy when they won...

And this dude represented the Clippers last year...

Notice the trend here? Dorky white guys are winning the draft lottery! And I'm the dorkiest, whitest, guyest guy I know! Prokhorov, I await your call.